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View Full Version : FanFic Excerpt, tell me what you think



coldskier0320
10 April 2003, 03:43 AM
Ive been writing a SW novel for a good while now, unfortunately, most of it is only in paper and pencil (not on a computer). Here is the third chapter from the second part of it, read it, then tell me what you liked, what you didnt like, how i could make it better, or anything else you feel i should know (keep it PG-13;) )

For background: Kiel and Kara are, well, were ISB agents. The division they were part of was found to conatin a spy so the entire division is being systematically hunted down and destroyed by ISB.

The empire's main enemy is the Expansion, an area of space controlled by former Republicans who are sitting on a sector filled to the brim with natural resources that they are using to fuel their war machine

While the empire vastly outweighs the expansion in almost every category, the Republicans have an amazing self-preservation streak and an excellent anit-intelligence division, EAD.

This section of the story takes place on Trellis, a planet on border space (between the Empie and the Expansion) that the out-of-work intel operatives have been sent to by a mysterious employer, Zangrid and Clagg are anti-Imperial revolutionaries.

This excerpt is rated: PG-13 for mild language, if youre going to be offended, dont read it, but i assure you, it is indeed mild.

Crymoon
10 April 2003, 04:42 AM
Good story would like to read all of this...
Found only one spelling error just as you main charcter slides behind the ramp "...Luxan up in fiing position..." instead of "firing" which I believe should be there...

I had some dif×××lty with the beginning, too many facts at once, but later on it became more fluent for me.. Of course you have to take into consideration that I'm no native speaker. But the rest loks fine.. You have established all of your charcters given some of them heroic abilities but haven't made them invincible... A great start I'd say...

Grimace
10 April 2003, 07:07 AM
Moving to the Fanfiction forum