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Mack Jace
26 November 2005, 10:13 AM
This is my first go at this, so bear with me. Any feedback appreciated.
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As the Omega Class shuttle touched down on the landing pad of Cashirim, the local tour guide walked up to the ship to meet the passengers. He waited there for several minutes, tapping his foot while he waited. Just as he was ready to leave, a large man walked out, toting a rather large gun.

Guide: Good afternoon sir. Welcome to Cashirim, home of the galaxy's best hunting! I am in charge of the local to-

The man gave the guide a look that caused him to step back a few feet.

Man: Where can I find Zan?

Guide: Um, well, Governor Jace can be found at his office, right around the corner there.

Man: Mm. Thanks.

The man walked toward the building the guide had shown him, and hefted his gun onto his shoulder. He had had the gun for a long time, and it had served him well. He was a big game hunter, and Cashirim was his next place to play. He had seen things many Humans have never seen before; he had traveled to the floor of the forests of Kashyyyk and hunted the nightmarish creatures, coming out with nary a scratch. His name was Jacen Macka, and he stood six foot tall and weighed in at two hundred and forty pounds. His hair was tucked under his hunting hat, a wide brimmed hat with the right side bent up, and his muscles bulged out of a vest that looked as if it was made of some sort of animal skin. As he entered the building, he took off his hat and placed it on the hat rack inside. There was a desk right inside the door, and behind it sat the man Jacen had been looking for.

Zan: Jacen! How good to see you my friend!

Zan Jumped up and shook Jacen's hand vigorously.

Jacen: It's been a long time Zan, it's good to see you too.

Zan: It has been a long time hasn't it? Well, enough reminiscing, how 'bout a drink?

Not waiting for a response, Zan poured Jacen a glass of the finest single malt whiskey available.

Zan: Let's get down to business, shall we? I've got a job for you to do....

LordSei
26 November 2005, 10:23 AM
On a scale of 1 to 10 1 being the worst 10 being the best,5 being average, id give it an 8.75

Mack Jace
26 November 2005, 01:59 PM
Jacen: A job? What kind of a job?

Jacen sipped his drink slowly, and listened to Zan as he explained.

Zan: Lately we've been getting a lot of hunters coming here for the excitement of our game. We've got some of the best hunting in the galaxy, including the Giant Darak and the Brown Camrat. But a few months ago, some hunters started disappearing.

Jacen raised his eyebrow.

Jacen: Disappearing?

Zan: Yeah. At first we assumed that he got lost and froze during the night, because it can get extremely cold at night here. But a few weeks later, another one disappeared, only this time we found the body.

Jacen: What killed 'em?

Zan: We don't know. It doesn't look like anything we've ever seen. The predators here don't leave kills like this. But then, three days ago, we got a call from a hunter.

Zan reached out and pressed a button on the comm on his desk. Someone is heard crashing through the brush, then everything becomes quiet. "Can anyone hear me?" a man whispers, barely loud enough to hear. "I'm wounded, low on ammo, and he's coming for me." The man is breathing heavily now, and can hear his weapon being reloaded. "I need someone to get me out of here. I can hear him coming for me! He-he-oh no. Help! Help! Hel-----" Only static is heard now, and Zan cuts the recording.

Zan: That's what I needed you for.

Mack Jace
26 November 2005, 06:20 PM
Jacen stroked his chin, thinking about what could have made a man sound so fearful. He began to think about what would be needed to take down this thing.

Jacen: Where did these incidents happen?

Zan: Camrat Island. It's out in the middle of the ocean here, about twenty kilometers to the east. That's where most of the big time predators are located. However, it's nearly impossible to get to, because it's surrounded by ion storms. Harmless while on the ground, but no ships can get anywhere near there. So that means that you will have to use our water-speeder to get there.

Jacen: Sounds good. When do I leave? I wanna get this thing hung up on my wall as soon as possible.

Jacen smiled at this, and Zan just laughed.

Zan: Well, you can leave whenever you're ready, but be forewarned, I don't think this is like anything you've ever dealt with. Be careful out there.

Jacen: Yes sir.

As he said this, Jacen smiled and gave a mock salute, then walked out the door to prepare.
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Sitting on the speeder gliding over the waves, Jacen looked at the equipment he had brought with him. His trusty long-rifle with mounted scope and soft grip, his combat knife with a nerf-hide grip, and a shotgun, made for close combat fighting. Looking up, he saw that the ion storms were churning up the sea, and that he was heading right into the middle of it. Checking to make sure that everything was locked down, he gunned the throttle and braced himself for the ride ahead. The speeder flew up the side of a wave and came crashing down into the surf. After many more waves much like that, Jacen safely made it to the shore line, where he packed his things and began the trek to where the killings had taken place.

Slave_1
27 November 2005, 12:21 PM
Personaly I always find it bit difficult to read scripts, but the story has a solid foundation.

Scales are from 1 - 10.

Readability: 4
Charactor Interaction: 7
Spelling: 8
Grammer: 6
Overall: 6.3

I liked the story, but since your writing ins script format it's a bit difficult to keep track of people. Such as in the first part Jacen starts out as Man: then changes to Jacen:. Only a couple spelling errors and a few gramatical. But I like the foundation, and the situations are well balanced. As a technical note, Ion radation affects everything electrical. Droids, Ships, Blasters, Speeders, Datapads, etc.... Keep up the good work. :)

Mack Jace
27 November 2005, 03:14 PM
Thanks for the criticism, I'm not a regular writer, but I just thought I'd give it a crack.
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As Jacen trekked through the dense brush and forest and saw the storms overhead, he was glad that he had brought his slug rifle instead of a blaster. He knew what those kind of storms could do to any kind of electronic device. He moved the rifle from his shoulders to his back, and continued the journey to the sites. Three hours later, about late afternoon, he reached the first site, and surveyed the area. It was a small clearing, surrounded by foliage of many kinds, and, after careful scrutinization, showed signs of a struggle. Examining the area, Jacen found that a man had run in from the east, obviously wounded, and then stopped at the base of a tree. Examining the tree, Jacen found a few power packs strewn about the ground, probably after firing many times at something coming after him. Probably at that thing Zan was talking about. When Jacen looked up the tree for any signs of tracks, all he found was a horizontal stripe of blood, when the attacker killed the man. Before moving on to the next area, Jacen pulled out his ThermoBag and made a fire, as it was getting fairly dark out. After a few minutes, he had a roaring fire, and decided to eat his NutriBars, then get some rest for the next day. He had just gotten through his bar when he heard a nightmarish howl, unlike anything he had ever heard before, worse than the ones from Kashyyyk. As he went to sleep, keeping his gun close beside him, he could have sworn he saw something in the trees…

Yan Kai
13 December 2005, 10:28 AM
Good story! Keep up the good work.

Slave_1
13 December 2005, 11:07 AM
whats in the trees? spooooookie.... :D

Mack Jace
28 December 2005, 05:51 PM
Sorry this has been on a long hiatus, been really busy.
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Jacen slept through the night without any kind of disturbance, and when he was fully awake, he checked the perimeter to see if he could figure out what was in the trees. He searched for a few minutes, but found nothing. He packed up his equipment, and set out for the next site. He was about halfway there, when his progress was slowed, because the undergrowth was getting thick. He stopped by a stream, to take a quick break, and saw something dart around some of the trees near him. He subtly checked to see where his gun was, and bent down to wash his face. As he looked into the water, he saw the reflection of the thing that seemed to have followed him. Slowly reaching for his gun, he whipped around to shoot it, but it was gone. His eyes darted around, making sure that it was really gone. It's probably just some hungry animal looking for a quick meal. He put down his gun, and was ready to get something to eat when something snapped into his neck, and all went black.
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Jacen's eyes snapped open, taking in his surroundings. His hands were chained to a tree, and he was hanging atleast a meter off the ground. He was stripped of all his clothing except for his pants, and his gun was lying in pieces on the ground at his feet. He noticed a Giant Darak lying on the ground, and wondered what was going on. That thing is definitly not smart enough to have knocked me out. And it definitely didn't build this fire. So if it didn't do this, what did? Just then, he noticed a pool of blood around the body, so the beast was dead. Suddenly, a creature came from the perimeter of the clearing, it's hands red with blood. It stood on two legs, and walked like a human, but it was much more muscular, and had many markings and tattoos covering his body. It noticed that Jacen was awake, and walked over to him. As it passed the light from the fire, Jacen saw it's face, and cringed. It was very gruesome, with it's nose broken in a few places, and scars all over the place. It stopped in front of Jacen, and folded it's arms.

???? Greetings. I am known as Nas Brolo. What are you called?

Jacen was bewildered. This creature, this Nas Brolo, spoke his language, albeit with a strange accent.

Jacen My name's Jacen. Why are you doing this?

Nas Brolo Where I come from, I am a hunter. I am a great hunter. Best of my kind. But I was exiled. So I came here, to the best hunting of your kind. But your hunters are weak. They are not worthy of the hunt. They use the gun to kill their prey. I have only found this beast (he pointed to the Giant Darak) to be worthy. I killed it with my hands, but it fought like a warrior. It was worthy to be killed quickly.

Jacen was shocked. The Darak was well over three meters tall, and weighed about two hundred kilograms. He shook his head, and asked Nas another question.

Jacen What happened to the other hunters you killed?

Nas Brolo They were not worthy to be killed quickly. I played with them, as I play with all of the unworthy ones. But enough about the dead ones, are you worthy?

Jacen I am considered to be a great hunter among my kind. I guess you could call me worthy.

Nas Brolo So I have one who is near my greatness. It is good that you came, for I was tiring of the many others who had come here.

Jacen raised his eyebrow.

Jacen There were more than the two you killed?

Nas shrugged and nodded his head.

Nas Brolo Yes, there were many. They were the ones you would call poachers. Their ships crashed, and they were stranded here. So I put them out of their misery. But enough talk. I have a proposal for you. Since I have only played with the unworthy, I want to test my abilities against a fellow hunter. I will let you go, and if you survive for 39 hours, one day, I will let you free from this place. If not, then you will be killed. What do you say?