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Darth_Vader2005
24 September 2006, 12:33 PM
Please Critique. Set about 40 years prior KOTOR. If you like it I'll continue. Is it good, bad, ugly or "oh Dear God don't let this guy in front of a keyboard again?"



The grey sky was drizzling slightly as the slightly acidic slime tore the dirt and grime of the past few weeks off the nearby building as Tey walked towards the Sith checkpoint, he was trying exuding an aura of confidence, his step bespeaking purpose and certainty. Behind his eyes however, lay the niggling seeds of doubt, would it work? He pulled out his papers with a sigh that he hoped would seem exasperated. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears, had they been alerted? He tried to keep his mind focussed on the present to keep it from exposing his fears. Under the green jumpsuit he struggled to keep his face passive as he handed over the identification papers that marked him as one Ur Demos. The Sith trooper’s posture betrayed his boredom as he glanced over them before speaking.

“Go right though Demos” the harsh voice came through the helmet. Tey thanked him as he moved on and the thumping of his pulse left his ears. Now free from the fear of the checkpoint he allowed his mind to wander again. Again and again it came back to the moment he had discovered about the Sith fleet about to arrive on the planet. He had panicked and found new clothes and a weapon, discarding his robes and his weapon, his lightsaber. Now his protection was a heavy blaster in a low-slung holster on his right leg. Tey was still becoming accustomed to the unaccustomed weight. In the bag on his back resided the starter chip to his ship, being stored in the starport as well as a spare change of clothes.

As he entered the starport the security became stricter and he had to submit to constant searches by the patrols out to look for the remaining Jedi on the planet. As he came into sight of the starport he was accosted by yet another patrol.

“No active weapons inside the starport. Hand over your weapon, it will be reactivated on your exit from the starport. I also need your papers.” The harsh tone showed the sith trooper would listen to no amount of convincing. Reluctant as he was to part from his only means of defence Tey was more reluctant to become involved in a fire fight. He handed the weapon and papers over with an air of reluctance and waited for the patrol leader to inspect them. After a few moments the now useless pistol was returned to him as were his papers.

Tey returned the weapon to it’s holster and walked into the starport. As he made his way to the main desk he reminded himself of his cover story. Unfortunately flimsy but the best available to him. “Can I help you?” The administrator’s harsh voice dragged him back to the present. “Hi my name’s Ur Demos I command the ship The Blue Moon I was hoping to find a launch spot sometime today” Looking back Tey was always proud that he was able to say that without his voice trembling. As the administrator pressed a few buttons on the keypad in front of him he suddenly stiffened and a wave of fear emanated from him. Stang. He knows. Tey kept his face neutral even as that dreadful knowledge made a circuit round his mind. His instincts told him one thing but his head and the Force told him another. Even as he stood there two sith troopers strode up to take a position either side of him. Tey was suddenly very aware of the Sith squad all aiming weapons at him. “Come with me. Padawan Urma.” Stang, they know my name. Tey was torn between his fear and the will of the Force. After what seemed to be a lifetime of indecision he raised his hands and followed the trooper down the durasteel corridors of the facility.

He found himself being led into a small office deeply carpeted with a blood red material. Decorating the wall were holo-pictures of various battles and conflicts. A single metal desk stood proudly opposite the door with a vast window just behind it. Standing behind the desk was a tall human, his white hair trailing down his back. It was all drawn into an elegant silver ring. His posture spoke of a military background. His black uniform stood out in sharp contrast to his pale skin and hair. Lying on his desk was a long vibrosword with a black geometric pattern etched across its blade.

“Greetings” His voice was deep and resonant yet laced with a tone that Tey could not describe. The two men guarding men stood on either side with their blaster rifles held negligently in their hands and their blasters riding their hips. Tey was suddenly acutely aware of the details in the room, the blaster of the soldier on his left, he noticed in passing was, the same as his own, one of the paintings on the walls was vaguely familiar, the desk in front of him was of a style that was in fashion about ten years ago on Coruscant. Tey recognised this as his body’s way of telling him to appreciate all the details of life before it ended. “You are Padawan Urma” The man in front of him stated. “You have been using papers that identify you as an independent trader by the name of Ur Demos. You came here with your master Jace Windor who was killed trying to escape the planet. When you learnt of his death you discarded this.” As he said this he withdrew Tey’s lightsaber and ignited it. The blue blade snapped out with a snap-hiss sound and the sith in front of him swung it experimentally. The blade lit his face with an unearthly blue glow and he spat the last word “True?”

“If I said no would you believe me?” Tey replied. The pale figure smiled mirthlessly and walked round the desk toward the Padawan. “No” He strode toward the prisoner, lightsaber in a ready position across his chest. Tey began to wrap himself in the calming embrace of the Force even as he watched his own blade move closer and closer. With a flick of his wrist he hurled his pistol at the approaching sith even as his elbow slammed into the soldier on his right. Allowing the Force to guide his actions he rolled under the bolt of the other trooper as it slammed into the first soldier. He came onto his feet and snatched the pistol from the sith’s holster. He pulled the trigger and the soldier slumped to the ground with a smoking hole in his abdomen. He rolled just in time to avoid a fatal strike from the lightsaber even as he bought the pistol up to fire at the figure in front of him. The sith bounced the bolt from the blade to skim Tey’s shoulder as he wrenched the pistol from his grasp with dark side energy. Tey flipped backwards towards the desk and lifted the blade that lay on it. As he stood up with the blade in his hands the sith charged, the deadly blade missing Tey’s head by inches even as the vibrosword narrowly missed the darksider’s arm. Almost immediately the sith launched a fearsome flurry of strikes at the Jedi. Tey struggled to parry them, suddenly glad the sith war swords were cortosis weaved. He struggled under another remorseless chain of strikes until he was backed into the wall. With a surge of hatred the sith pressed the advantage, launching a devastating lunge at Tey’s torso. Tey suddenly lost himself to the Force, submitting entirely to it’s depths. The sith seemed to move in slow motion and Tey easily parried the blow before slashing at his enemy’s hand. With a scream of anger and pain the sith dropped the blade and leapt back.

“Yield!” Tey shouted, and advanced on the darksider. With a snarl the pale figure hurled a ball of incandescent energy at the Jedi and pulled a blaster from the floor. Tey’s right side was engulfed in the ball and he dropped to the floor, the blade flying from his hand. He landed hard on one of the blasters from the earlier fire fight and he grabbed it, rolling to his feet. He knelt there aiming at the sith in front of him. They both held the same model of pistol aimed to kill at each other. There was a moment of silence as the same thought crossed their minds. Tey was the first to speak. “The pistol we’re both holding is an SX-400, one of the most powerful pistols known to science. One shot at this range will kill. One was deactivated, one wasn’t. In all the excitement which one’s which? Do you know? But that’s not the question you should be asking yourself. The question you should be asking is; Do I dare? Well? Do you dare?”

Ravnor
24 September 2006, 01:59 PM
Not bad, not bad at all, keep up the good work.

Slave_1
25 September 2006, 11:45 AM
Intersting read, I would like to read more.

Darth_Vader2005
25 September 2006, 12:25 PM
Well here is the next installment. Any suggestions on what you would like to see more of would be welcome.

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The sith trooper, Uron Demarkos was slouching bored guarding a corridor, his blaster rifle slung across his back. He was guarding one of the many side passages in the starport on this god forsaken mudball. He was silently planning his evening out when he heard booted footsteps coming toward him, the sound reverberating off the metal walls and floor of the base. He quickly stood up and to attention as the footsteps came closer and a sith soldier walked past. There was a large scorch mark and hole in the abdomen, exposing the thinsuit worn underneath the metal plates. “Who goes?” Uron called to the stranger. Later he was never quite able to remember actually receiving the password, but he must have, otherwise why would he have let him pass? He quickly forgot about the soldier and went back to thinking about the evening in the cantina.

In one of the many loading bays of the city a Quarren stood reading a datapad and muttering slightly, shaking his head. He was standing a few feet from the cargo bay of a small, heavily modified, transport freighter, battered and old. As the Quarren made a few finishing touches to the data entry on the pad he noticed the sith trooper nearing the ship. The soldier had a blaster rifle slung over his shoulder, a pistol shoved into a holster on his hip and he had a rucksack on his back. Most striking perhaps was a large scorched hole in his chest exposing a black thinsuit under the silver armour plating. He was slowly massaging his shoulder as he approached. The crew of the small freighter suddenly decided they had pressing engagements to which they had to attend. The soldier walked up to the waiting Quarren before speaking quietly. “You are captain Jeril Makatar, you command the ship Seggor. True?” Makatar nodded slowly, thinking about pulling his hold out from its hiding place, he could be off planet before the alarms went off, he could make it, yet something made him hold his fire. The sith soldier continued, “Five years ago you were hidden by a Jedi Master by the name of Windor, he had a young boy with him, one Tey Urma. You promised to repay that debt to him whenever he needed it, you also said it applied to the boy.” The Quarren opened his mouth to argue but somewhere between his brain and his tongue the words turned into “How do you know?” The sith soldier emitted a low chuckle, “I am Tey Urma. I will consider your debt paid if you will but transport me to Dantooine.”

Jeril let out a soft sigh, before speaking “And you are dressed in a sith uniform why exactly? Trouble with the locals? You are more than welcome by the way, stow your stuff in the ship” The quarren said as he led the newcomer up the boarding ramp. “Something like that” The armoured figure answered cautiously. ”Who do I introduce you as?” Jeril asked. The silvered face answered slowly “Ramone Oneda” He walked into one of the bare crew compartments and dumped his bag on the bunk. “You have my thanks” he said as he closed the door behind him.

Jeril walked to the ship bridge his mind began racing, his personal code of honour told him to ferry the Jedi to the small backwater of Dantooine, but his sense of self-preservation told him to alert the authorities and damn the low legality cargo. He soon made up his mind and made a commlink call.

Tey had changed into comfortable loose cargo trousers with a white vest, on top of that he wore a brown leather jacket. On his waist he wore a tool belt on which rode the blaster pistol he had taken from his battle in the office and in one of the many pouches he had secreted the lightsaber he had retrieved from the duel with the darksider. His brown hair was now missing the Padawan braid that he had had for the past twenty-two years, his penetrating green eyes roved around the corridors of the ship, his shoulder ached and gave him discomfort, he was truly feeling his years. As he walked he suddenly felt a prickle of something, his Jedi senses picking up on something. He stopped and allowed his connection to the Force to permeate the ship. He stood for some time standing slowly breathing, attempting to pick up some trace of what he had felt. Nothing. He continued to the bridge of the ship, suddenly aware of the vulnerability of his situation. As he came onto the small bridge he stood silently watching the crew going through the departure procedure.

After the control tower was satisfied the ship began to power up the repulsors and Tey moved to the lounge area. Once there he flicked on the Holonews, which was loudly proclaiming to all that would listen that one Tey Urma had assaulted a Sith base, killed two officers but had been beaten back by Sith Prefect Ragnaram. It continued to say that he was using an alias of Ur Demos and that an open bounty had been offered for his capture. Tey was flattered, that much for a twenty eight year old Padawan? Wow. He sat back and cast his mind back to his encounter with that Prefect, Ragnaram, he continued to worry if he had chosen the best solution? He was afraid that he had just acted on fear, on the need to escape. A true Jedi would have captured him and returned him to the Republic to stand trial and hopefully be bought back to the light.

Deep as he was in his thoughts when the door opened he already knew that people were coming, the bridge crew traipsed in, all except the Trandoshan; presumably they wanted someone on the bridge at all times. The crew of the Seggor were an interesting bunch, the pilot was one Fergal Nadd, a human with a coreward accent. The engineer was a female rodian named Sural, the sensors and Navcomp were manned by the owner and captain Jeril while the trandoshan Bosskatcha handled security. The crew sat down and flicked the channel from the news to a contemporary comedy programme. Tey sat and watched with half interest while the crew chatted and unwound.

Much of the journey passed this way before the ship came out of hyperspace at a small planet named Teffel to pick up a cargo and refuel. As soon as they made landfall the crew left the ship for the various shops and cantinas they frequented before returning to work on the ship. After they left for their various cantinas Tey found himself alone in the ship, so he spent some time meditating and re-attuning himself to the will of the living Force. As he knelt alone in the ship with the life support humming underneath his cot, he quickly became intimately aware of every nook and cranny of the ship, his senses extending until he became aware of every noise, smell and faulty power circuit.

After an hour like this, completely still and at peace with himself Tey was jarred from his thoughts by the presence of four life forms approaching the ship, one was probably Bosskatcha, but the other three were strange and unfamiliar. The base of Tey’s skull began to prickle as he began to feel the first threads of fear beginning to worm their way into his heart. He had a bad feeling about this…

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Sleep now...

Darth_Vader2005
26 September 2006, 12:20 PM
Ok, here's the next section. Please critique.

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Salbacca held his rifle negligently in one hand, the other holding a knife. He listened to the whispered conversation of the two aliens in front of him, crouched near a small cargo freighter. One was of the distasteful Trandonshan race while the other was dressed in the uniform of a junior sith officer. Near him crouched a Mandalorian in an archaic form of battle armour, patched and worn. The armoured figure was crouched low, a pair of blasters in his hands and a short vibroblade in a sheath on his waist. The Trandoshan in front of him was gesticulating with a small carbine and in a padded jumpsuit. The sith officer carried a traditional blaster rifle and a vibrosword. He was nervous and it showed, even to the wookie, he licked his lips a lot and his eyes never stood still, but in his black eyes burned an anger the wookie was not comfortable with. He waited, squatted down in the dust of the starport for a few more minutes. Finally the sith and trando decided on a course of action. Salbacca sheathed his knife and stretched. The trando’s harsh voice spoke out then in a guttural, heavily accented basic; “Salbaccer, you go now, door on right. Wait there. Mandalorian,” At that the armoured human turned and stood, pistols suddenly in hand. “you nexter, then sitt, then I.”

Salbacca reached the door on the small ship and stepped to the right, with the trando on the left, the Mandalorian in front. The young officer was off to the side. They moved as a well organised team, all professionals, bar the sith who managed to stay out of the way. As Salbacca prepared to thumb the door control the sith asked in barely a whisper “Sure he’ll be asleep?” The trando silently nodded and Salbacca flicked the switch.

The door slid open to reveal a human wearing a pair of cargo pants with a white vest, on top of which he wore a dark brown leather jacket, his brown hair was cut close to his head. On his toolbelt was a large blaster pistol. What filled Salbacca’s eyes, more even, than the lightsaber shedding a blue glow over the inside of the small cabin, were the human’s eyes. They shone with an emotion just as intense but conveying a different emotion to that of the sith officer. His spoke of determination. Then the man spoke.

“Hiya Fellas” The group froze for a second before the mandalorian replied with the staccato fire of his blasters, filling the small cabin with red light as the Jedi leapt into action. His blade wove a protective web of energy around himself as he carefully and thoroughly intercepted the bolts with the blue blade. The Mandalorian rolled to the side as the jedi stepped through the door way as the sith stepped forward vibrosword out, only to be cut down by the jedi as he parried the blade and made a quick, though slightly inaccurate riposte. The sith fell to the ground clutching his arm his blade skittering across the floor. The trando stood stunned before he pulled the carbine up, releasing a score of shots at the unstoppable figure before him. The first shot caught the jedi in the leg and he dropped to one knee but the others splashed harmlessly off the blade, the trando took one of his own reflected blots to the chest and staggered backward before the jedi speared him through the chest on his saber. The wookie stood for a second before he dropped his rifle and stood stock still hands in the air in surrender. Finally the mandalorian stepped out from round the corner he had been hiding behind, pistols up. He started firing, the pistols blazing crimson bolts at the jedi, who was driven back by this ferocious assault. The shots went wide or were deflected by the blade before the jedi rolled back, out of the passenger ramp, into the starport. The mandalorian followed, his blasters paving a road of crimson death, to be deflected on the jedi’s blade.

Without warning the Tey leapt forward, flicking his blade away to the right until the mandalorian ducked to the left, realising the feint too late to respond to Tey’s elbow flying into the bounty hunter’s face and the armoured man fell to the ground. Tey stood above him, blue blade at his throat. He spoke again “Yield” He commanded in stable tones. The Mandalorian’s helmeted face stared back at him. Before he said anything a new voice from behind made Tey turn around, the voice of the Sith.

“That’s him, get him!” shouted a harsh voice. Tey turned to see a group of sith troopers, faceless and imposing aiming weapons at him. Behind them stood the young sith officer, still bearing a heavy wound on his left arm, in his right was a commlink. The sith soldier in the lead shouted again, “Drop your laser sword jedi!” He spat the last word as if it were a curse. Tey bought his saber up to a ready position, held in both hands, out to his right. He looked at the soldiers in front of him and began to wrap himself in the protective tendrils of the Force. As he did time slowed and distorted before Tey began walking towards the group of soldiers, blade up. The sith shouted again “Freeze!” more panicky this time. At that Tey broke into a run, the blaster bolts began to spring up from the squad, Tey wrapped fully in the Force, was able to avoid or block the red storm that sprang up around him. Then he was upon them, his blue blade carving a path of death as the Jedi flew among his enemies, his technique was crude, yet effective, not refined yet deadly. Within the space of seconds the sith troop lay dead or incapacitated around him.

He moved through the starport, like a wraith, clouding the minds of all those whom he came across, his blade silencing those who proved resistant to the Force. He made his way to the fighter bay, where the Dragon Claw wing of sith ships were being scrambled. Tey waited in the shadows of the bay until he saw his chance. One of the pilot’s ran to his ship slightly apart from the others only to find that he suddenly had a pressing engagement to do something. A half hour later Belar Demarkos awoke in a storage cupboard, unsure exactly why.

Tey raised his ship in tandem with the other ships in his squadron as they rocketed into the upper atmosphere of the planet. Once there Tey took up a patrol pattern with the other ships, his sensors making detailed passes of the surrounding space. In addition to this he began plotting a hyperdrive route to Dantooine, trusting in the Force to guide him, to allow him to calculate the astrogation routes instinctively. He also hoped, correctly. With the final numbers in he did a quick last check. Once that was complete he broke off from the squadron, gunning the engines to full, the sith ship rocketed through the vacuums of space away from the gravity well of the planet. He heard the squad leader’s voice through his comm “Grey five? What are you doing?” Tey ignored it as he sped toward the jump point.

Two of the other fighters broke off to follow him as the leader spoke again “Grey five, stop now or seven and four will open fire” with that the two following ships sent beams of energy over the ship, close enough to light up the sensor alerts. Tey continued regardless of the warning shots. As the ships fired again, at his engines this time, Tey jinked the ship to the right. The pursuing ships kept following and fired again, this time Tey had to go into a full corkscrew to avoid the incoming fire. As he neared the jump point he went into a half loops and cut the thrusters, due to it’s speed the ship continued to hurtle toward the jump point, but now facing the pursuing ships. One hand on the hyperdrive lever and one on the trigger, Tey blasted at one of the sith fighters, scoring a glancing hit on its wing. Before the ships could return fire Tey activated the hyperdrive and the ship disappeared into hyperspace.

Darth_Vader2005
1 October 2006, 06:00 AM
Any thoughts? Is this a lost cause or should I keep trying?