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View Full Version : The Taste of Revenge



Eliijah
12 June 2007, 05:58 AM
Hey, I was looking over this section and was amazed. You guys are really terrific authors. I dabble in a little bit myself... and one day I was hit with the idea for this novel. I would greatly appreciate all of your feedback on it (I value constructive criticism over empty compliments in this case). Thanks and I hope you enjoy. The time between the parts might be a little bit long... life is a bit hectic for me. Thanks again :)

Eliijah
12 June 2007, 06:03 AM
15 years ago…
Coruscant
“We’re going on vacation??!!” The little seven year old boy yelled in questioning excitement. An amused couple, his parents, stood by the table as he gushed with enthusiasm.
“Yes that’s right son, a real vacation. Serving the Empire has taken up most of my time, but command is finally giving me some time off… we’re going to go to Naboo… we might even get a chance to see the Palace in Theed. We’ll have a lakeside building all to ourselves, and a speedboat. A place to swim, a beautiful landscape, what more could you want?” The man tried to give a slight smile as his son danced around in excitement. The boy was so excited that he missed the worried glance that passed between his mother and his father. If he had noticed… the joy that he felt might have turned to cold dread.


The cold rain beat down on the streets, and upon the young man that walked alone on them.
Frelling rain. He thought angrily. Back home it wouldn’t be like this. But then I guess those days are long gone.
He continued to walk down the sodden streets of the, to his cold aristocratic mind, backwater planet, Onderon, he now found himself upon. His thoughts, though fast and moving across many painful plains, eventually rested upon his precarious financial situation. This is about it. Leaving my assets stranded like that… that wasn’t too smart. The man berated himself for his foolishness, as he had done many times before. But in the end he found himself coming back to the cold dreary reality. A fugitive from everything thing that was familiar, everything that he had held dear, he must find his way, if there was one, alone. He saw a slightly seedy looking establishment set apart from a barely lit sign.
The Sinking Cruiser. What a dumb name for a cantina. Even though he had nothing but bad things to think about it he altered his course to the dimly lit entryway, determined to drink away his sorrows for a time. He paused at the door, then steeling what remained of his nerves he walked in.
What met his eyes when he walked inside was the worst-kept cantina he had ever been to, but at this point he was past caring. There sat two scurvy looking humans by the bar counter, a Duros nursing some sort of red drink over in a darker corner, and another human and several beings with their backs turned to him in the other corner. That human intrigued him… there was something different about his eyes, a sparkle of life there that he hadn’t seen in anyone else in this out-of-the-way town. But at the moment his face wasn’t reflecting the smile in his eyes; he almost looked scared as he talked earnestly with the other beings. None of my business. He thought, and studiously turned his back to them, instead walking over to the bar counter.
“A Fizzbrew, and make it snappy.” He said to the barkeeper, who looked over at him with a unfriendly look on his face, but when he saw the coin the young man held out, he unwillingly reached beneath the counter and started making the drink. While the young man waited for the drink he moved his head minutely so he could observe the man in the corner, now talking animatedly, with a slight dash of panic in his actions. What is the deal with me? Why am I spying on people with their own problems?
“Do you want this, or what?” The barkeeper asked testily. The young man turned around quickly.
“Oh, yea. Thanks.” He sipped slowly on the beverage, savoring the tang. Suddenly there was a loud scraping noise in the back. Not my problem, not my problem. With a small scuffling sound the two men walked right past him with the guy that had the weird eyes. Dang it all anyway… why can’t people take better care of themselves. Doing something heroic was what got me into all of this trouble in the first place. But slowly, hating himself, he rose and left the cantina, fingering the blaster underneath his tunic, making sure it was still there. It looked like he might need it.

Lieutenant Paladine
13 June 2007, 05:10 AM
Nice. You have talent, but alittle more history and maybe his name would be nice. I like it, there is action, but not enough of a preface.

I mean, I love this, but some outlining of the character would be lovely.

Keep at it! Good work so far!

Eliijah
13 June 2007, 09:25 AM
Hehe thanks... the history is forthcoming. A favorite trick of mine in about every novel I write is to mask the main character in shadows... but soon all shall be revealed. Thanks again :)

Eliijah
13 June 2007, 10:55 AM
Chapter 1
15 years ago…
Naboo
“Hang on son, we’re heading back now.” The boy’s father yelled back from the control stick of the ship. The water was splashing all over and the wind was making their hair fly back . The ship started to slow down as they approached the dock.
Back on land they had lunch, excellent ribines made by the boy’s mother.
“You make sure to eat plenty.” She said to her son. “We’re going to be going to the Palace tomorrow, and you’ll want plenty of energy to be able to see everything.”
The family dinner was not, however, just watched by family. High on a hill above the retreat was a man in dark clothes. He was holding a pair of macro-binoculars, and was adjusting them as he pointed them towards the retreat. An Imperial insignia was stitched into the uniform.

The wind had started to pick up as the young man walked outside. Rain stung his eyes, but he was able to see two figures carrying a third dimly ahead.
Well, I guess I should just see what they’re doing first… and in this weather it won’t be hard to be unobserved. And with that thought he jogged across to the other side of the street. He didn’t have to tail them too far however, for they turned about a block further into a dark alley. The young man decided to risk getting closer, and stealthily moved to their side of the street and to the edge of the alley. Both of the beings had their backs turned to him, one standing not far from him, the other holding the man with the funny eyes against the wall further down the alley. The one holding the man was a human, but he guessed that it was a Trandoshan with his back turned to him.
“Tell uss old man. Where is the shipment you sstole?” The Trandoshan hissed.
“Shipment? I don’t know what you’re talking about, you must have the wrong-UGH!” The man was quickly shut up by a punch to the gut from the human. The Trandoshan stayed still.
“Don’t lie to us. We know you stole it from us, and we’ve tracked you down here. Tell us and we’ll let you leave with you life. If you refuse us we can make sure you die… very, very painfully.” The Trandoshan mocked with a reptilian glee in his voice.
Well, I think I’ve let this go on quite long enough. If I don’t step in they’ll kill this guy… and I can’t live with that on my conscience. The young man thought. Suiting thought to action he stepped forward with blaster pistol drawn. “Don’t turn around, but lay your guns on the ground.” He said, about three steps behind the Trandoshan. The human looked up in surprise and his hand started to go to his blaster, but seeing the other’s blaster pointed straight at him changed his mind.
“Boss?” He asked the Trandoshan, who was standing stiffly.
“Do as he sayss Kalin.” The Trandoshan told the human, taking his own blaster slowly from his belt as he said it. Seeing both of the thugs laying their blasters on the ground had a giddying effect on the young man, who, if he would have been paying better attention might have noticed a shadow creeping up from behind him. But he didn’t. With a flash of pain the world spun around and faded to black.

The world started to swirl back into existence again… He was lying down on the ground? Yes… and standing above him were the two thugs and an addition, a mean looking Zabrak. Standing on his right, pressed against the wall, was the guy he’d tried to rescue. Looks like I messed that up about as much as I do everything.
Close up the man intrigued him more than from afar. He was older, the young man put him at about 60 years old. He had black hair flecked with grey here and there, and a goatee. He was dressed plainly, in a brown tunic. But what was the oddest, the thing that he had only seen in a very few people, was the eyes. They sparkled with a sort of inner life that was rare in the people that the young man came in contact with. The older man looked down at him, and gave a miniscule nod and looked back up at their captors.
“Well old man, it lookss like your rescue attempt has failed. I figured you would have some sort of pathetic backup plan. But now who is the smarter one?” The Trandoshan gloated.
“It appears that this game is indeed about at an end Krosst. I am only going to give you one warning. Drop your weapons and leave right now or I will be forced to take action.” The man replied to the Trandoshan. All the thugs immediately started to laugh. Controlling himself, Krosst spat back a retort.
“Foolissh man, your tactics won’t work on me. If you won’t tell us where you hid our shipment, then I’ll make an example of you to any other prospective thievess.” Krosst leveled his blaster pistol straight at the man’s head. “Goodbye old man.” The young man turned away his head and closed his eyes bracing for the death of the old man and then him. It was your last dumb mistake Andre. A blaster shot rang out. A slow moan and a body hit the floor.

Lieutenant Paladine
13 June 2007, 11:55 PM
Oh, now you're just evil. Making me wait to see who dies!

I like your style! Come on, give me another shot!

Eliijah
26 June 2007, 06:05 PM
I am working on chapter two... it is possible that it might be done before July 4th... if not it will be a very long time before I post the update.