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ErikModi
3 November 2007, 10:43 PM
As a part of a thread about Movies (http://forums.gleemax.com/showthread.php?t=946620) on the WotC boards, I had to write this little gem. . .

(Scene: Mike Rowe knee-deep in the garbage pit in ANH)

Mike: Hi, I'm Mike Rowe. And this (heafts trash) is my job. (chucks trash at camera)

(Dirty Jobs Intro.)

(Scene: Tatooine desert.)

Hi, and welcome to Dirty Jobs. As you can probably tell by the glaring suns, barren, bright sand, and the sweat pouring down my face, we're in the middle of the Dune Seas of Tatooine. (Begins walking camera right) And we're here to see (man comes into veiw as camera pans with Mike) this man. This is Rob, and he's the Imperial Appointed Tatooine Landscape Technician.

Rob: That's right, Mike.

Mike: So, what's a Tatooine Landscape Technician do?

Rob: Well, we basically take care of the planet, make sure nothing's been left out in the desert that might pose an unnatural hazard to farmers or indigenous life, clean things up, stuff like that.

Mike: Unnatural hazard. So you leave the natural ones alone, then.

Rob: (grins) Yeah, we leave the natural ones alone.

Mike: So, what's on the roster for today.

Rob: Well, we have a broken down Sandcrawler out there we have to go visit, start the cleanup on, mark it, so on.

Mike: Okay, let's go.

(Scene: Mike and Rob in a landspeeder, heading across the Tatooine desert.)

Mike: So, what's a Sandcrawler?

Rob: Well, when Tatooine was orginally settled, it became a mining colony pretty quick. Czerka corp. sent down a bunch of Sandcrawlers, which are basically big moble mining machines. Tatooine ore turned out to be unusable, so the Sandcrawlers were just abandoned. Jawas took 'em over, and roll around the deserts salvaging stuff and selling it off.

Mike: Jawas are. . .

Rob: One of Tatooine's two indigenous sapient species.

Mike: They're the little ones, right?

Rob: Yeah, they're little guys. Scavengers, annoying but harmless.

Mike: Good, harmless is good.

(Scene: At the Sandcrawler, bodies everywhere, scorch marks covering the disabled Sandcrawler.)

Mike: This. . . this is a mess. What the hell happened here?

Rob: Well, looks like Sand People hit it.

Mike: And Sand People are?

Rob: Tusken Raiders, Tatooine's other sapient life. They're the big nasty ones.

Mike: Big, nasty, sapient. . . right. And they, they attacked this thing, here?

Rob: Yep. Probably rode by, shot it up a lot, rode off.

Mike: They rode right through here, then? I mean, the Sandcrawler didn't move after they got done with it.

Rob: Nope, this is where it was when they blasted it.

Mike: So we're really at the scene of the crime here then.

Rob: Yeah, pretty much.

Mike: So, is there a possibilty of the criminals coming back and doing a little more blasting?

Rob: Eh, probably not. They're pretty nomadic.

Mike: (to camera) Eh, no, probably not. Nomadic, pretty nomadic. So, what's our job here?

Rob: Well, first, we gotta get all these dead Jawas together, start a fire, burn 'em up.

Mike: Dispose of the bodies.

Rob: Right.

Mike: Well, you know what they say. Friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies.

(Montage: Mike and Rob shovelling Jawa bodies into piles.)

Mike: Wow. . . these. . . these little guys really stink.

Rob: Yeah, they're pretty rank.

Mike: What are these guys? ARe they, like, animal, vegetable, or mineral?

Rob: Rodent-like, pretty much. I think

Mike: Big rodents. Not Ranat big, but, hey, what are you gonna do.

(Montage, piling bodies, lighting them on fire.)

Mike: Doh, guh. . . their smoke smells worse then they do. Pew. . . that. . . that is one foul stench.

Rob: Yeah, that's why I got a mask on.

Mike: Well, why don't I get a mask.

Rob: You didn't ask.

Mike: (to camera.) I didn't ask. Of course. Didn't ask. Everyone's a comedian.

(Scene: Interior sandcrawler)

Mike VO: Coming up on Dirty Jobs: We take a look inside the Sandcrawler for things the Jawa's left behind. And while the Sandcrawler may be big-

(Scene: Mike in very small, dark pipe in Sandcrawler)

-its innards aren't.

Mike: How am I going to get out of this thing?

(commercial break)

(Scene: Mike inside Sandcrawler)

Mike: Okay, we've piled together all the smelly Jawa bodies, and lit an even smellier fire to get rid of them, but that's only about a third of the job. Now, we have to take a look inside the Sandcrawler. And what exactly are we looking for Rob?

Rob: Well, we have to give the machine a once-over, make sure there's nothing inside that we need to get out and secured, then flag it for an Imperial salvage crew from Bestine to go over.

Mike: So, why don't the Imperials go over it first, save us the trouble?

Rob: (shrugs) Busy, I guess.

Mike: Busy, yeah. They've got a whole galaxy to clean up, we just have our charming little corner of it. So, what sorts of things are we looking at removing right away?

Rob: Anything that may be toxic, radioactive, explosive, stuff like that.

Mike: Basically, anything hazardous to a human's health.

Rob: Right.

Mike: (pointing back and forth between them) We're humans.

Rob: Yep.

Mike: (nods.) Just checking.

(Montage: Crawling through the Sandcrawler, up pipes, through little tunnels, etc.)

Mike: Well, we were searching for something hazardous, and, lucky us, we found it. Rob, what do we have here?

Rob: Well, Mike, this is an old MandalMotors XK-327 Light Engine, mostly used for small craft like starfighters, way back in the Mandalorian Wars.

Mike: Mandalorian Wars, that was, like, 4,000 years ago.

Rob: Yep.

Mike: So it's been sitting in this desert ever since.

Rob: Yeah, probably part of a Mandalorian fighter or Basalisk war droid that got shot down. Jawas picked it up 'cause it was shiny.

Mike: Shiny, right. So why do we need to remove this peice of equipment?

Rob: Well, the MandalMotors designs, especially this one, were notorious for putting out a lot of power for their size, but they did that through inadequate reactor sheilding and dangerous chemicals. They also had a tendancy to make really big booms when you shot them up with blaster weapons.

Mike: So, basically, we were looking for anything (begins ticking on fingers) radioactive, toxic, or explosive, and this is-

Rob and Mike together: All three.

Mike: All three. Toxic, explosive, radioactive. Wow, it's just my lucky day I guess. So, what are we going to do with this?

Rob: Well, we can't muscle it down the little tunnel we got here in, so you're gonna take the fusion cutter and cut us a hole (thumps his fist against the wall) here.

Mike: And that would be the outer hull?

Rob: Yep. Cut a hole in the hull, we'll have the ASP grab it, carry it out the cargo speeder.

Mike: Right. Now, just I'm clear here, you want me to turn on the fusion cutter and cut a hole, through several centimeters of carbonite hull, in the same room as the radioactively toxic exploding 4,000 year old starfighter engine?

Rob: Yep.

Mike: (nods.) Right.

(camera zooms in on Mike.)

Mike: (softly) People trust me with machines. I don't know why.

(Montage: Mike cutting a hole with the fusion cutter.)

(Scene: Exterior Sandcrawler, close-up of Mike through the freshly-cut hole in the Sandcrawler.)

Mike: Well, we cut our hole in the Sandcrawler to let the explosive engine out, but we made a slight miscalculation.

(camera zooms WAY out to show Mike's hole at nearly the top of the Sandcrawler.)

Mike: Slight miscalculation.

(Scene: Interior Sandcrawler.)

Mike: So, we didn't realize, in all the maneuvering around we did inside the Sandcrawler, that we were up at the top. So, Rob, how the hell are we going to get this thing out of here without it, I dunno, spraying us with toxic waste, showering us in radiation and blowing up in our faces?

Rob: (chuckles) Carefully.

Mike: Carefully, carefully he says.

Rob: Now, we don't want to use a tractor beam, since that could rupture it-

Mike: Rupture's bad, right?

Rob: That'd make it blow up.

Mike: Well, we don't want that.

Rob: So we'll have to use an old-fashioned net and winch.

Mike: Net and winch. Winch it down from here, to the ground, in a net.

Rob: Yep.

Mike: Carefully.

Rob: Carefully.

Mike: I'm all about careful.

(Montage: Hooking up the winch, lowing the engine to the ground.)

Mike: Whew. THat wasn't so hard.

Rob: One more whallop on the side of the sandcrawler, and we'd both be dead.

Mike: It woulda blowed right up.

Rob: Yep.

Mike: (to camera) Like I said, no sweat.

(Scene: inside Jabba's Palace.)

Mike VO: Coming up on Dirty Jobs, I take a trip to the palace of one of the galaxy's wealthiest and most influential businessmen, and learn firsthand jst what it takes to make Hutt happy.

(Scene: Mike holding a squirming chuba.)

Mike: It just peed on me.

(Commercial Break)

(Scene: Inside Jabba's Palace)

Mike: I'm here in the palace of Jabba Desilijic Tiure, better known as Jabba the Hutt, one of the galaxy's wealthiest and most influential businessmen. This grand estate is where Jabba hangs his hat.

(Montage: Establishing shots of the palace and various rooms.)

Mike VO: Along with a few other things.

(Scene: Mike in Jabba's kitchen.)

Mike: Here we are, in the heart of Jabba's Palace, the kitchen. And here's the heart of the kitchen, Jabba's head chef, Porcellus. How you doing, Porcellus.

Porcellus: I'm good Mike, I'm good.

Mike: Porcellus. . . you're a very accomplished chef, I understand. How is it you came to be here?

Porcellus: (with odd expression on his face) Well, it. . . just sort of happened. It's. . . well, it's certainly a challenge. A dream come true, Mike, really. Honest.

Mike: Ah. So, what's going on right now?

Porcellus: Well, right now, we're preparing one of Jabba's small midafternoon meals.

Mike: One of?

Porcellus: Right. He keeps the kitchen busy.

Mike: How much does he eat in a day?

Porcellus: (nervously) Well, depending on his mood, how. . . how is businsses are faring, anywhere from two to six times his body weight.

Mike: That's per DAY?

Porcellus: Yep.

Mike: What's his body weight?

Porcellus: (Very nervous) Uh. . . I'll decline to answer that.

Mike: (smiling) Right, right. So, what's first up on the menu?

Porcellus: (pointing to a tank) These.

Mike: (looking in tank) And these are?

Porcellus: Chubas.

Mike: Chubas.

Porcellus: Yes. We import them from Naboo.

Mike: Naboo? Really. That costs a bit, I imagine.

Porcellus: (shakes head) Not really. They're considered a bit of a pest there, so we get them pretty cheap.

Mike: Cheap's good. So, what do we do with the chubas?

Porcellus: Well, you're going to pull them out of the holding tank and plop them into the spiced water tank.

Mike: Pull them out of this tank, and toss them into this one?

Porcellus: Yep.

Mike: (starts reaching in first tank, then stops.) Now, when you say "spiced water," you mean-

Both: Seasoned.

Mike: Seasoned, right, for flavor, not, you know, spiced as in-

Porcellus: (smiling) No, nothing illegal in this recipe.

Mike: In this recipe. Wow, I feel a lot better. (beings reaching into the tank, then stops again.) Now, these things are gonna bite me or sting me or poison me or something unpleasant, are they?

Porcellus: No, no. They don't bite anything this big.

Mike: This big?

Porcellus: Well, they are froglike amphibians, so they have a long, sticky tongue they use to catch prey, which is usually insects or small birds. They wouldn't try and bite or tongue something our size, though.

Mike: Good, good. I hate getting tongued by imported froglike amphibians.

Porcellus: They will musk on you, though.

Mike: (sighs) Of course they will. You know, you'd think I'd learn. Every time someone tells me to just go grab some unsuspecting animal, it winds up peeing and pooing on me.

(Mike reaches into the tank, which sloshes violently, coming out with a chuba.)

Mike: (holding the chuba up for a good camera shot) Ah-ha! I got one! (he frowns) And it just peed on me. (shakes head, then places the chuba in the second tank.)

(Montage: Mike snatching chubas from the first tank and plopping them in the second.)

Mike: Wow, okay. These are slipperly little buggers.

Porcellus: Yep, they are.

Mike: So these, these guys are, the meal, then?

Porcellus: No, they're the appetizer course

Mike: Appetizer course? I thought you said this was a small midafternoon meal.

Porcellus: It is.

Mike: You have courses for an afternoon snack?

Porcellus: Only way to feed a hungry Hutt.

Mike: Ah. So, now that we have the chubas in the spiced water, what now?

Porcellus: Phlegmin wheels it up to Jabba and we start on the soup.

Mike: Wait, that's it? Just, wheel 'em on up? You're not gonna, I don't know, cook them?

Porcellus: They're best raw.

Mike: And by raw you mean, still alive and kicking?

Porcellus: Yep.

Mike: Wait, wait. Just so I understand. . . you wheel this cart up to Jabba, he grabs one of these things, not unlike I just did- does the chuba musk all over him?

Phlegmin: No, you got all the musk.

Mike: Course I did. Jabba just grabs this, pops it in his mouth, and. . . and that's it?

Phlegmin: Yep.

Mike: Does. . . I mean, does he chew or something?

Phlegmin: Nope.

Mike: Just. . . just swallows it whole.

Phlegmin: Just swallows it whole.

Mike: (shakes head.) Wow. That's. . . that's bad table manners.

Porcellus: If he used a table, sure.

Mike: (looks at camera.) Uh-huh. So, what- get these out of here, go- what's next?

Porcellus: (taking lid off a pot) Soup.

Mike: (recoiling) Ugh! That. . . that smells like ass.

Porcellus: Little bit.

Mike: It must taste better then it smells.

Porcellus: Not to us, no.

Mike: Not to us? It must taste better I mean, why eat it?

Porcellus: You can have a taste, if you want.

Mike: Really? He won't get mad?

Porcellus: Little taste.

Mike: Right. What's this called?

Porcellus: (considers a moment) Well, we'll call it Rowe Stew.

Mike: Rowe stew. You didn't name it before?

Porcellus: Jabba just eats it, doesn't care what it's called.

Mike: Right. Well, here we go.

Mike VO: You'd think, one of these days, that I'd learn- (takes a taste of the soup) not to eat on the job.

(Mike begins vomitting in the corner.)

Mike: (wiping chin) Wow. I never though I'd actually prefer the taste of vomit to the taste of that. THat. . . that is nasty, man. That's just. . . nasty. How can he eat that?

Porcellus: The Hutt tongue has different chemical receptors then ours, it takes different inputs then ours does.

Mike: So, the taste that I got from that, he tastes something completely different?

Porcellus: (shrugs) or his brain interprets it completely differently.

Mike: Which begs the question. . . how does a chef cook anything that he can't taste? I mean, it's like a blind painter.

Porcellus: (shrugs again) Just toss stuff together and hope for the best.

Mike: (nods) Ever get it wrong?

Porcellus: (laughs nervously) Not yet.

(Montage: Cooking stew.)

Mike: Okay, stew's ready, what's next?

Porcellus: Main course. Bantha steaks.

Mike: So, what's the trick with these?

Porcellus: I've been soaking them in leftover stew broth for a day or so now, and now we just fry them as fast as we can.

Mike: Fry them, how many steaks are we talking here?

Porcellus: About eight to ten.

Mike: Small meal. Right.

(Montage: Cooking steaks)

Mike: (holding steak in front of camera by tongs) How many brave banthas died for Jabba's small midafternoon meal?

(Montage: More cooking, then wheeling a cart full of steaks up to Jabba's throne room.)

Scene: Back in the kitchen.

Mike: Wow. . . that was a lot of meat. I mean. . . I think, in total, we prepared my body weight in food.

Porcellus: Just about, yeah.

Mike: It's an interesting expeience, cooking one's own weight in food.

Porcellus: It is.

Mike: And you do it, how many times a day?

Porcellus: Eight or nine.

Mike: Eight or nine times a day. Wow. Porcellus. . . you have a dirty job.

(Scene: Mos Eisley Cantina)

Mike: After a hard day laboring under Tatooine's twin suns, we come here, to the planet's finest watering hole. Here, one can kick back, enjoy some jatz, sip a cool Juri Juice, and sink your teeth into one of the finest bantha burgers I've ever tasted. It just goes to show that-

(a flash of light and the report of a blaster, followed by a thump. Mike looks behind him, startled, then back at the camera.)

Mike: I think we just picked up another dirty job. (smiles.)

LordSei
4 November 2007, 09:31 AM
wow, lol that was great...especially the whole hutt part...did u write it up or someone else?

ErikModi
5 November 2007, 07:31 AM
That was all me.

PsychoInfiltrator
5 November 2007, 12:31 PM
I thought it was quite entertaining.

Admiral Zaarin
21 November 2007, 04:10 PM
Very funny. :D