PDA

View Full Version : Of Contracts, Cartridge Casings and Character



IzVenjari
23 December 2007, 11:33 PM
Thanks all for reading. This started out as a fanfic but has grown into something else entirely, something that's most definitely not fanfic and that i may be able to sell at some point. So i'm taking what's up here down.

It was this story that got me back into serious writing and for that i'm very thankful. Yay for the Holonet! :D

Again, thanks for reading and for your comments :)

IzVenjari
24 December 2007, 02:31 AM
....

IzVenjari
29 December 2007, 02:33 AM
.......

Ronin
29 December 2007, 04:35 AM
Outstanding, mate! :)
I can't wait to read more! Plenty of mystery and a very interesting character.
Very, very good indeed!

IzVenjari
30 December 2007, 01:31 AM
Author's notes:

Thanks Ronin!

This character is kinda taking me over at the moment. Usually i'm working on about 3 or 4 different stories at once, ducking back and forth between them depending on my mood and then rewriting and putting stories on the backburner because i don't feel i'm creating them as well as i should be - which may be why i struggle to finish stuff :D

But this story has got almost all of my attention at the moment - i'm even dreaming about it....which is something that hasn't happened for quite some time. Probably not a good thing, but what are ya gonna do? :D
____

IzVenjari
30 December 2007, 02:38 AM
........

IzVenjari
31 December 2007, 11:13 PM
........

IzVenjari
3 January 2008, 12:07 AM
.......

IzVenjari
3 January 2008, 06:11 PM
........

IzVenjari
4 January 2008, 09:03 PM
........

IzVenjari
5 January 2008, 04:42 PM
........

IzVenjari
8 January 2008, 01:16 AM
........

Ronin
11 January 2008, 05:17 AM
I was going to say outstanding...but I did in my earlier post...
but this is really, really blood good stuff!
I copied the lot to my phone and red it all on the train today.
Nearly missed my stop! :D

I can't wait to read more!

IzVenjari
11 January 2008, 12:32 PM
Originally posted by Ronin
I was going to say outstanding...but I did in my earlier post...
but this is really, really blood good stuff!
I copied the lot to my phone and red it all on the train today.
Nearly missed my stop! :D

I can't wait to read more! Thanks again man. It's nearly finished. I've set aside today to write up as much of the last piece as i can. So hopefully i will have the last part posted by the weekend's end. Though i will compulsively proofread it like i have with all the other pieces and change stuff :D so the complete finished product is probably a week or so away. And i think i might post a word doc at the beginning of the thread for anybody who finds it easier to read that way.

IzVenjari
15 January 2008, 01:33 AM
........

IzVenjari
15 January 2008, 01:38 AM
........

IzVenjari
15 January 2008, 01:40 AM
........

IzVenjari
15 January 2008, 01:45 AM
........

IzVenjari
15 January 2008, 02:00 AM
Author's notes: Finally, it is done..

Yeah i know it hasn't taken me that long datewise - just before Christmas until now :D - but this story has consumed me like few others have. Maybe now i can get all the sleep i need and stop completely confusing myself at work because my mind is writing while i'm trying to do work stuff. And yeah, it may be a little sad that a fan fiction that i'm writing for nothing more than personal enjoyment has compelled me so much, but it has :P and i'm proud of the fact that i have been able to tell it in what i think is at least a semi-readable format.

I will post a word document or a pdf at the beginning of the thread within the next week, just in case that is easier for anybody who might be reading or wanting to read this.

Any comments are welcome...Is anything confusing? Have i made glaring character mistakes? Were the last sections too long? - they certainly got larger than i had anticipated they would, but i couldn't stop writing - and even now, i feel there were things left unsaid or perhaps unresolved. But still, did you, the reader, lose interest because of the length?

Is there anything good, perhaps that you particularly enjoyed? Things you hated? As long as there are reasons for comments, even if they are not compliments, i would love to hear them.

As you can probably tell, i'm feeling that outrushing of satisfaction one gets when something one has worked hard on is completed - hence the waffling.

Anyway, i hope whoever might be reading this has enjoyed at least some of it. I've taken pleasure in writing it and while i don't particularly write to please others, i do take pride in trying to tell a story in the best way that i can.

Cheers :D

Iz

IzVenjari
15 January 2008, 04:26 PM
........

IzVenjari
17 January 2008, 02:59 PM
........

Ronin
20 January 2008, 12:43 AM
Very nice work!
I was glad that the bad guy didn't turn out to be an actual Sith, and was very original (both in motive and means!). Having the 'hero' (I use the term loosely ;) ) kill his two oldest friends in order to deny his other old-friend-turned-enemy them was a surprising twist too. :)

One question is about...

“They helped me. Helped me stop you. Helped me make you remember your dreams. It took so much out of them and me, but we saved him. Saved him from your executioner’s slug. There was no cartridge casing left at the scene that time.”
...this is referring to the Bodrin job? It may be clear, but I just thought I'd check (actually, reading the whole thing through in one would probably help me :) ).

IzVenjari
20 January 2008, 01:04 AM
Originally posted by Ronin
this is referring to the Bodrin job? It may be clear, but I just thought I'd check (actually, reading the whole thing through in one would probably help me :) ). Yea it is referring to the Bodrin job :) and him having to take the two along with him so he could keep his strength up, because he needs them close to draw on. I was hoping to show that Brako creating that vision/dream for Marek and doing the other stuff he did (giving the chasers clues as to where Marek was or what he was doing) was very taxing on him and he therefore drew a lot from Jana and Marlow, hence why they looked so old and sick when Marek sees them this time around.

Heh, clear in my head but it was fairly vague on paper though wasn't it? :rolleyes:

Any other comments, questions, criticisms? :)

Ronin
20 January 2008, 01:08 AM
I might've changed it to "they helped me stop you on Bodrin", but that's all :)

The rest was fine...great in fact :)

Jax Nova
12 February 2008, 02:13 PM
Hey have not read teh whole thing yet but what I have read is very nice!

I like the style of writting although some indepth descriptions tend to go just a bit overboard in mypersnall opinion but don't worry about it because my own in-depth descriptions do that also! lol

Very nice twists to it though, it keeps me wanting toknow what will happen next, just like a good story should. :)

IzVenjari
12 February 2008, 05:54 PM
Originally posted by Jax Nova
I like the style of writting although some indepth descriptions tend to go just a bit overboard in mypersnall opinion but don't worry about it because my own in-depth descriptions do that also! Thanks for the comments Jax. Do you have any specific examples of overboard descriptions?

That way i can have a look-see and see if i can improve anywhere :)

Jax Nova
13 February 2008, 05:51 AM
Well, I really don't think it's a problem personally, more of an observation on my part. But here is one of the egsamples I came up with. You wrote



Hastily the boy stuffed the stick back in his pocket, gave me a shrug and rolled-eyes, turned tail and scampered over to the table where his mother had alighted. She affectionately held his chin with one hand and wiped his face down with another, despite his protestations. Then she pointed at the food and he shook his head. So she pointed again, with that look of complete certainty that only mothers can muster. This time he let his shoulders droop and pulled the tray over for a closer look. Ten seconds later both hands were full and so was his mouth.




(I can blame this one on my writing instructor) Since this particular scene is not directly involved in the overall plot (At least not as far as I have read) my instructor would tell me I don't need to spend so much time hanging on the whole subject.

Personally I think this is a very nicely constructed scene and I like it. I just recognized it's connection to my instructor's words.

Like I said it's really more of an observation than a complaint.

IzVenjari
13 February 2008, 10:44 AM
Originally posted by Jax Nova
Since this particular scene is not directly involved in the overall plot (At least not as far as I have read) my instructor would tell me I don't need to spend so much time hanging on the whole subject.

Personally I think this is a very nicely constructed scene and I like it. I just recognized it's connection to my instructor's words.

Like I said it's really more of an observation than a complaint. There's no need to be apologetic about making an observation about my work Jax - even if it were a complaint. :) As i mentioned at the outset of the thread, i like getting feedback and constructive criticism. It's very difficult to improve as a writer and a storyteller if there is never any of that.

However, i will try to explain why i put that much description into what may seem to be a bit of an 'extra' scene: :)

I was using this to attempt to build character for the readers. Not of the woman and the boy so much, but of the main character who was observing. As this story is told in the first-person we see everything through his eyes. And every observation he makes tells us something about him as a character.

(Interestingly, this story for me was far more character-driven than plot-driven. Of course, the plot was important, but i was really trying to build interesting characters.)

In saying that, however, i do feel like that description added to the plot, or at least to the main character's motivations. Observing the love of the mother towards her child was another factor that motivated the pity he felt towards them - which according to the beginning of the story would appear very out of character, and even more so if it just appeared to be a random act. Even so, it was still meant to appear as a contradiction in character, just not a random contradiction.

That whole scene aboard the passenger freighter was really designed to teach us something about the main character - something upon which the rest of the tale is based around. I won't tell you what that is :P because i hope that i've told the story well enough for you to be able to pick that up as you read the rest of it.

If i had just said something like 'I watched as the mother and the boy ate,' i'm not sure that would have had the same emotional appeal. :P I'm not sure what i wrote had any real emotional appeal either, heh, but that was what i was going for.

Oh, and the boy does make a brief appearance later on in the story - and i think that whole scene does tie in by the end of the story too.

I would continue to ramble on, but i'm on vacation and stealing someone else's internet, so i better stop the boringness there :D

Anyway, thanks again for the feedback Jax. If you have any more comments as you read the rest of the story, please make them :)

Jax Nova
14 February 2008, 06:22 AM
Ok I see. Thanks for exlaning that to me, that does make sense now. I guess I look at things more from a plot driven point of view than character driven really.

Well, the only other thing i realized is that you use "whatever" at the end of sentances several times. such as

"Here was where my favourite souvenirs – for want of a better word – were kept, under glass and lights. I came down here to contemplate, or to calm myself, or whatever

It does get a bit repetative but not to bad because you only used it a few times. Thats about everything. Of course I'm not expert on writing just giving my personal opinion. But all-round very nice story.

IzVenjari
14 February 2008, 07:48 PM
Originally posted by Jax Nova
Well, the only other thing i realized is that you use "whatever" at the end of sentances several times. such as

"Here was where my favourite souvenirs – for want of a better word – were kept, under glass and lights. I came down here to contemplate, or to calm myself, or whatever :D Thanks for noticing that. That was actually a character mannerism. I decided - seeing as i was writing the story in first-person - that i could give the narrator (being the main character) some 'mind' mannerisms. That was the biggest one - and he only ever thought/narrated it after giving a couple of options in the preceding words...
I came down here to contemplate, or to calm myself, or whatever....In actual fact listing the possibilities like that was another mind mannerism and the whatever was an attempt by him to arrest his racing mind and get him back to reality or at least a coherent train of thought.

If i was writing in third-person or even in second-person, i would not have structured those sentences like that.

Much of this story was experimentation on my part - particularly in the way i attempted to portray the character. I'm not sure if it all - or any of it - worked, but i would like to think some of it did, at least. :)

Anyway, thanks for reading...

Jax Nova
15 February 2008, 06:35 AM
Ah I see. Well, like I said I don't really read much so I am not the best critic. It makes sense when you use it that way though.

Just one question though. (Not related to your story)

First person is when you write in things like "I walked down the gray halls into the cool basement for some time alone."

Then there is... "David walked down the gray hall into the cool basement for some time alone."

Is the second third person or second person point of view.

And if it is second person what is 3rd person and if it is 3rd person what is second person? (Sorry hope you don't mind answering my questions)

Vash Knives
15 February 2008, 03:13 PM
Originally posted by Jax Nova
Just one question though. (Not related to your story)

First person is when you write in things like "I walked down the gray halls into the cool basement for some time alone."

Then there is... "David walked down the gray hall into the cool basement for some time alone."

Is the second third person or second person point of view.

And if it is second person what is 3rd person and if it is 3rd person what is second person? (Sorry hope you don't mind answering my questions)
"David walked down the gray hall..." is 3rd person. 2nd person would be "You walked down the gray hall..." 2nd first is usually only done in those "Choose your own Adventure" books where the main character is supposed to be the reader.

IzVenjari
15 February 2008, 03:44 PM
Originally posted by Vash Knives

"David walked down the gray hall..." is 3rd person. 2nd person would be "You walked down the gray hall..."Yep, exactly. 2nd person gets hard to read after a while so apart from those Choose Your Own Adventure books that Vash mentions and a few attempts by very brave authors you won't see much in 2nd person format. When it comes off 2nd person stories can be strokes of genius, but they rarely do and the author has to be incredibly skilled to pull it off for more than a few pages.

One could argue that i slip into 2nd person a couple of times in this story...
example:
You had to have a logo.

It wasn’t for pride sake. It was so that potential clients would know that you were as good as your advertisements....however, if we take the context into account i like to think that was just the character talking directly to the audience..maybe. ;)

Jax Nova
17 February 2008, 10:25 AM
Ok cool. Thnx for the explination guys. I can understand how writing in second person POV would make it a little more difficult to follow. That's no doupt why I have never seen anything like that other than those choose your adventure book things like was mentioned. (Those are pretty interesting some times though lol)

Well, been a bit busy the past few days and have yet to read the ending of your story but i will let you know what I think when I get there. (Slow reader)

*waves*

Jax Nova
17 February 2008, 10:40 AM
Just finished it, very nice ending. It's sad that he has to kill his other two friends to stop his tormentor but it really adds to the story. And then his little shop at the end I liked as well. *thumbs up* A nice and interesting read.

IzVenjari
26 February 2008, 02:46 PM
Originally posted by Jax Nova
Just finished it, very nice ending. It's sad that he has to kill his other two friends to stop his tormentor but it really adds to the story. And then his little shop at the end I liked as well. *thumbs up* A nice and interesting read. Thanks Jax. I just had another read-thru this - particularly looking for those overboard descriptions that you mentioned earlier...

:) And i found a couple - perhaps i could have spent a couple less sentences on the example you provided, and there was another glaring example too (when Marek is relating a funny anecdote that Jana tells him about Marlow) that could have been left out entirely, as well as a couple of others too.

Thanks for pointing that out. :)

The whole thing would probably benefit from a bit of a re-write, but i think i'll leave it as is for now.

Admiral Zaarin
28 February 2008, 02:00 PM
Just read the first portion for now, but excellent work. :D

IzVenjari
28 February 2008, 02:41 PM
Thanks AZ. Let me know what you think once you've read the whole thing - along with any observations or criticisms.

PsychoInfiltrator
16 March 2008, 07:09 PM
Excellently done, Iz.

If anything, I'd almost have liked even <i>more</i> character development. But that's mostly because it was so good. :P

Actually, another tangential anecdote or two or three would help amp up the mystery portion of the story, making it harder to guess future twists and turns in the plot.

As it is now, however, I think it's excellent, as I said at the start of this post.

IzVenjari
17 March 2008, 09:02 AM
Thanks Psych. Glad you liked it.

THe problem with posting as i write is that i will come back later and think to myself 'well, that could have been a lot better', but by then it's already up and it would be mostly counterproductive to rewrite.

But anyhoo, glad you enjoyed the character development. The whole aim of this story was to build an interesting character.

PsychoInfiltrator
18 March 2008, 04:46 PM
In my humble opinion, you hit your target.

Moose
13 July 2008, 12:11 PM
Great story. I went in thinking it was going to be a simple story of an assassin and was left with so much more. I think you handled the emotional roller coaster our protagonist went through exceptionally well. Two thumbs up!

IzVenjari
13 July 2008, 03:15 PM
Thanks Moose! Glad you enjoyed it :)